THE SIMPLE PRESCRIPTIONS FOR A HAPPY AND ENDURING MARRIAGE

by: Norberto Betita

I entered the doors of marriage and the gate to family life 39 years ago on the 23^rd of January 1974. The marital journey of 39 years was never an easy voyage. The get-up-and-go to each chapter of the relationship was filled with difficult maneuvers which by the powerful bond of marital union were tactically and successfully endured. Trials and adversities; misunderstanding and misgivings; poverty and deprivations were only a few of the high hurdles that we tried to surmount in our continuing journey towards the blissful shore of marital and family happiness.

The challenges and problems of marital relationship are a common lot to all who enter the solemn covenants of marriage, whether they start the union in affluence and abundance, or in scarcity and deprivation. It is not about lavish preparations and sumptuous wedding receptions that would provide lasting marriages. It is only true love for each other and total commitment to spousal responsibilities that would build an enduring marital life. Through the years I have come to understand that there is no royal road to a happy marriage. I came to realize during the years long-gone that the storms that blew in the direction of our marital relationship and the heavy burdens we patiently bore created strength to every fiber of the sacred bond.

Through all the continuing ills that we encountered in our marriage we eventually fashioned some simple prescriptions which provided and still is continually providing emotional and spiritual therapeutics and remedies.

Trust –

It has been said that, “To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved” (David O. McKay). Indeed, the trust that we have for each other as spouses provides us with greater confidence on each of our character as persons. My first assignment in my employment with the Philippine National Bank was in a capital town requiring almost 10 hours of travel by bus on a very rough highway. It was an assignment of a year and a half, but never during that period did my wife ever visit the place. Many of my colleagues asked why? My simple response was we trust each other.

When my wife placed his complete trust in me, I am even more motivated to honor and be true to our marital vows. My personal character and moral make-up become even more self-evident. Then I find an increased capacity to overcome temptations and go through the challenging encounters of marital life.

Talk right -  

It has been said that offensive words are sharper than the two edged sword. Foul language contaminates worthy feeling and desecrates the heart. Exchanging remarks that hurt frequently plants the seed of shoddy relationship. Healing takes time. Its effect is sometimes referred to a broken egg which cannot be reversed.

When I and my wife are in an unholy discussion and I could not find one good and fitting word to say I would rather go out, take my lunch in a restaurant and go to work or stroll to take a fresh breath of air. I found that back home love sparkles and sincere concern affectionately expressed---“pa, did you take your lunch?” Such a flicker of devotion and tenderness encourage enthusiasm and build energy to carry on notwithstanding the odds.    

Acceptance –

There is a saying that a perfect match can only be found between a blind wife and a deaf husband because the blind wife cannot see the faults of the husband and the deaf husband cannot hear the nagging of the wife.

We should understand that marriage is a union of two imperfect individuals. Each has his or her own inadequacy and limited capacity. There never is a perfect relationship. Acceptance of individual faults and imperfections is therefore a must. Through those long years of our marriage I came to better understand the phrase I once found in a torn page of paper, “Compatibility is the estate of being incompatible.” Therefore, individual differences should be accepted conclusively by each spouse. Mistakes should always find unconditional forgiveness.   

I am ever grateful to my dearly beloved wife for being such a wonderful and very considerate woman and partner. Once she was asked by one of our daughters if she ever had any uneasiness or discomfort in our marriage. She told her there are a lot of them but she kept it to herself. That I had been her personal choice of an eternal partner and she has to stand by the love that she has sacredly offered to me. I too am blind of her inadequacies and frailties. I only see the best in her.

Patience –

Think first before you lose your patience with someone you love. Things can be repaired. Hurt feelings and broken relationship often can’t. Too often we fail to recognize the paramount importance of a covenant relationship. We sometimes forget that forgiveness is a much better antidote than revenge. People make mistakes, but the actions we take while in rage will haunt us forever.

My wife and I had our own petty encounters and differences, but our patience for each other’s faults always rejects the apparatus of anger and ill feelings. Peace, unity, harmony and love then reign in our most humble place of refuge---home.

Provident living –

“Happiness does not consist of a glut of luxury, the world’s idea of a goodtime…. Happiness is found at home” (Thomas S. Monson). Indeed, God in His infinite wisdom did not provide man with an easy mine of gold and silver, but simply introduced a system of work for our provisions. He commanded, “In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread…” (Genesis 3:19). We should be contented then with what life could give and what our labors could provide.

I married at an early age, jobless with only a two-year equivalent of college education not fit for competitive employment of those days. But with hands clasped together in support for each other, we worked, we struggled, we do all we could, we succeeded. I eventually earned a college degree and then a master’s degree and a good employment enough for a growing family. We lived a provident life, sent our five children through college and all earned degrees.  We are continually inspired by the saying, “Good life starts only when you stop wanting a better one.”

Common vision –

Ideally marital partners are expected to work towards a common purpose and a unified goal. Frequently each spouse is required to keep back personal dreams in favor of common marital visions. This idea may sound critical of one or the other, but all along we will find that a common marital dream automatically becomes a priority. Our long years of marital experience had taught me and my wife self-denial and frugality to give way to our common ideals and visions. Hence we become even more united in our purposes and stronger in facing our adversities.

Temple Bailey was quoted by Thomas S. Monson: “It is impossible for a married couple to reach happiness with eyes fixed on different stars.”

There are many and varied applicable recipes for happy and enduring marriage. However, it is only by sincere application and induction into the union that they become effective menu.

As husband and wife united by a solemn and sacred covenant, we are under obligation to strengthen the bond that fastens our hearts together.  As spouses, we need to understand that our relationship is profound, encircling, and far-reaching. It requires trust, reliance, unselfishness and sacrifices for one another. It is an absolute alliance with common ideals and patterns. It involves purity of thought and fidelity in action. It entails faith in God and His eternal plan of happiness. It is infinite, grand, and glorious. This relationship should never weary nor fade. It should remain alive through thick and thin, through joys and sorrow, through successes and failures, and through time and all eternity.