IN OUR DEEPEST AGONY HE WILL NEVER LEAVE US COMFORTLESS

by: Norberto Betita

In our walk along and down our Jericho road---which Christian writer Origen meant the world---we are often confronted with some miserable circumstances that put us down the lane of dejection and hopelessness. The trials and tribulation that we encountered are then molded to become our personal crosses to carry as we follow the lonely path of our Calvary’s hill into the summit of our Golgotha. Many amongst the weary travelers fall victims of impatience and desperation as to cut short their journey by their own. Some became lost into crooked paths of addiction and obsessive passions and so wallow into the mire of desolation and anguish of soul. Others among the obedient who suffered even in righteousness and virtue felt abandoned and in their deepest agony together with the Psalmist cry: “My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me? why art thou so far from helping me, and from the words of my roaring? O my God, I cry in the daytime, but thou hearest not; and in the night season, and am not silent” (Psalm 22:1-2).

However, some among the faithful tried to find strength from the weight of their very own burdens and slowly trail and even crawl their way up the lonely road of failures and trials to rise above their storms to see the sunshine. They tried to find joy and happiness while struggling to cross the boisterous and tempestuous blizzards of life. These enduring souls have developed the faith that no matter the darkest nights of their lives there will come the elegant sunlit of a dawning day. They believed that they have to find time to win their painful battles in order to live on and find relief. They trust in the Holy One to carry them through away from their besieged conditions. 

My personal Jericho road was also full of blizzards and turbulent drives. Dating back from a few days of my infancy---as I have been told by my grandparents---up to the days when I came to know and understand about life and on to this day of my seniority, I have been subjected to physical afflictions which seemed to become my permanent share of earthly trials. For twenty five years since I have been carrying the burdens of an unknown skin disorder which up to this time is still the focus of medical research. Its accompanying physical malady is increasingly becoming a very heavy burden as I come of age. Not only does it generate severe pains and sufferings but it also derails my career opportunities, and my social and emotional life. For so long I tried to weather the storms and just enjoy the beauty of my Calvary’s hill and the wonders of my Golgotha with the support of my family. Through the years I found meaning and continually enjoy from the comfort of my deep understanding of the purpose of life and the glory that is promised to those who endure well. 

In times of severity however, I felt that my person becomes very much limited and most often inadequate. For years my dear wife has to patiently take both her maternal role and part of my role as provider in order to find balance in accomplishing our common goals and the ultimate welfare of the family. The gravities I encountered of my afflictions require money, time and effort and physical attention. I am grateful that my wife is ever always by my side to attend to me and assist in finding temporary supplementary resources to cover whatever inadequacies that result from the unfailing demands of my illness. Time and again I realized I have to be dependent on the Lord for help. I developed the faith that without Him I am totally nothing. I came to know that He will never forsake one faithful soul who comes to Him in earnest prayer.

In times of my severest conditions, I sometimes feel that I am somehow forsaken of the Lord, although in actuality I am not. During such daunting situations I am often lead to imagine myself in a setting where like the prophet Joseph Smith, in his most distressing experience at Liberty Jail, asks: “O, God where art thou, and where is the pavilion which covereth thy hiding place”(Doctrine & Covenants 121:1). Perhaps the feeling is impelled by the depths of my agony. Yet never did I attempt to question God that way. I am confident and most trustful of His promises. Instead I would plead; “if this be my lot, please allow me to know my place in thy kingdom should I ever endure my tests in mortality.” Then I found answers in my dreams, and sometimes through direct inspiration to read particular scriptures. That’s when I know that He is real and His presence can always be felt. 

Recently, after our temple visit I have my continuing afflictions felt in pains of awful enormity. After a week of most painful suffering and despite priesthood blessing, after I have done all that I could through medications, I felt totally deflated but never alone. In the stillness of dawn after a seemingly long and agonizing walk to the rest room which is just a few feet away from our bedroom, it occurred on me why I have to suffer this much. I have tried to be worthy and to live a life that I thought was in accord with God’s plan for me. Although my question was not in any way directed to God, as I laid down back into my bed I was caught up into a consciousness of those events in the Savior’s life, long prophesied by the prophet Isaiah and the actual experiences of His sacrifices at Gethsemane and on the cross at Calvary’s Hill.

In the prophecies of Isaiah I am reminded of the Lord’s comparing His life’s experiences in which He had “trodden the winepress alone,” “there was none to help,” “there was none to uphold” (see Isaiah 63:3, 5). Repeated in my thoughts was the Lord’s Gethsemane experience where while His beloved Apostles Peter, James and John took comfort in deep sleep, He personally suffered alone for the burdens of the sins of all mankind, where “…He tremble because of pain, bleed at every pore, and suffer both body and spirit” (Doctrine & Covenants 19:18). Then in the depth of unspeakable anguish, pleaded; “…O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt” (Matthew 26:39). 

The day did come that He was brought upon the common hall after which they stripped and crowned Him with plaited thorns and mocked Him. They spat upon Him and smote His head and led Him towards His eventual crucifixion (see Matthew 27:28-31). From such indescribable sufferings echo the words of Isaiah: “Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows... But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed” (Isaiah 53:4-5).

All along I realized I am not totally deserted as a result of my afflictions as did the Lord in His Atonement. I am not alone in my deepest agony. My wife and family are always beside me ever ready to help even in one most tender touch of the hand. And there is always that comforting assurance from God that He is always reachable on bended knees. Then I was even relieved as my reflections led me into the final chapter of Christ’s immense sufferings while hanging on the cross at Calvary. 

Earlier in His ministering tour He always felt that He will not be left alone. He told His disciples, “…he that sent me is with me: the Father hath not left me alone; for I do always those things that please him” (John 8:29). He added, “Behold, the hour cometh, yea, is now come, that ye shall be scattered, every man to his own, and shall leave me alone: and yet I am not alone, because the Father is with me” (John 16:32). Yet in the final moments of most terrible pains He petitioned His Father, “…My God, My God, why hast thou forsaken me” (Matthew 27:46). The thoughts of such excruciating agony not worthy of the only sinless man who ever lived on earth, while absolutely alone---temporarily but totally bereft of the comforting Spirit and even the intimate presence of His Father, in order to fully consummate His Atonement, allowed me to feel that he was just beside me tugging and pulling from me the pains and so lead me back into a deep sleep. The discomforts seemed to abandon my senses and temporary relief came over me as to provide enough comfort until the morning breaks.

Indeed, through all those long years of afflictions and trials I have come to feel as always the Lord’s promise: “I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you.” (John 14:18). His promise is ever sure and absolutely clear: “…If a man love me, he will keep my words: and my Father will love him, and we will come unto him, and make our abode with him. Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid” (John 14:23,27). As sure as the sun rises in the morning, even in our deepest agony He will never leave us comfortless. He suffered that all of us might not suffer, and that through obedience, repentance and faith in Him we might find relief. He is ever willing to sustain us until our mortal probation is ended.